The Voice of My Inner Critic
I woke up this morning around 4 AM and tried unsuccessfully to get back to sleep. Since I was going to be getting up early to meet with the guys at 6:30, I decided to stop fighting it and got up.
After quietly making some coffee, I settled into the kitchen table and pulled out my journal. It was still dark outside, but heard the sound of a slow, steady rain. A number of things were on my mind (thus the reason I couldn’t get back to sleep) and I began to fill page after page of my journal.
A theme kept popping up as I journaled, and, as I reflected, I realized that that theme would make a powerful book. I made a few quick notes about the book idea and without warning my brutal inner critic started hammering away at me. This was not unusual at all. I have been blessed with a very healthy inner critic for most of my life. What was unique about this morning is that I took the time to write down what it was saying. This is what I heard:
“A second book? Are you serious? You sure are the arrogant one…already talking about a second book and the first one isn’t even started. You’ll never be a writer and the only reason you want to write is so everyone will think Tray is a good guy. Why don’t you drop the fantasy, you poser.”
The barrage lasted about 15 seconds.
As I wrote down what I had heard, I was amazed how how mean-spirited and absolutely hateful the words were. I would NEVER speak that harshly to another human being, yet for some reason I was allowing my inner critic to talk to me that way.
I was sensitive to the voice of my inner critic this morning largely because I have been trying to help the guys in my Band of Brothers group to pay attention to their own inner critics over the past month. I discovered mine about five years ago and have grown accustomed to its accusing, shaming tone.
I believe it is vital for us to be able to discern the voice of our inner critic…to bring what is being said into our conscious mind. If we don’t challenge the accusations that are based on lies, we ultimately live our lives as if the lies are true and the critic is right.
But thank God for Romans 8:1!
“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”
Zip. Nada. None!
And that includes self-condemnation as well.
A question I ask the guys often in our group is “What does it look like to give yourself grace?” Frankly, most evangelicals are not too good at it. I know I wasn’t. But I’m getting much better at allowing myself to be human.
Growing up with my legalistic, black and white mind, even entertaining the idea of giving myself grace felt like I was trying to go easy on sin. And when I did screw up, oh the fury! I could spend weeks allowing my inner critic to beat me to a pulp with shame, guilt, and condemnation. In a sense I felt like I needed to show God just how sorry I was for sinning and the best way I could do that was through self-loathing and self-condemnation.
This was yet another example of how I was not believing the wonderfully scandalous Gospel. I had not accepted the fact that God loved me as I was and that my sin had not caught Him off guard. I felt I needed to beat myself up a bit as part of the process of finding God’s favor again.
So what about you…what does your inner critic sound like? Are you resting in the fact that He loves you as you are or are you playing the self-loathing game in order to convince God how sorry you are for your sin? I’d love to hear your thoughts.
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